Lee Gets Mauled By a Bear
by cannibalcake
Summary: Title pretty much says it all. Total crack.


Lee Adama sighed contentedly, enjoying the cool air of a fine New Caprican day as he shoved another piece of bread into his mouth. He heard a rustling in the trees beside him. "Hewwo?" he inquired to the trees, attempting to swallow the chewy crust. This time he saw the trees moving and what looked to be a large furry figure disappearing into the woods. "What the frak was that?" he wondered aloud.

"What?" came a voice from behind him, causing Lee to wheel around in surprise to find Laura Roslin smiling at him.

"Oh, you startled me!" Lee responded.

"Sorry," she said with a hint of amusement in her voice. Lee noticed something that appeared to be a cigarette between her thumb and forefinger, although he very much doubted its contents were strictly tobacco. Following his eyes, Laura brought the smoking object to her lips and inhaled deeply before holding it out to him. "Wanna hit?" she offered. Lee eyed the joint warily, remembering the 'Peer Pressure' posters from his early schooling. He swallowed nervously and Roslin rolled her eyes. "For frak's sake, Lee, it's only a bit of ganj. There's no need to be so dramatic," she said and began to withdraw her hand.

"I know," he protested, reaching out to accept the reefer. "I used to get high all the time!" Proclaimed Lee haughtily.

"I see," said Roslin, making a half-assed attempt to mask her skepticism as she watched Lee gently pull on the joint before erupting into a violent coughing fit, dropping her neatly rolled spliff to the ground. She sighed and leaned over to pick it up while Lee continued to choke and sputter. Roslin retrieved a lighter from her cleavage to revive the joint as Lee began to recover, his coughs becoming softer and more sporadic. "So," she said, "What was it you were freaking out about when I arrived?"

"I wasn't freaking out," Lee wheezed. "I just thought I saw something...in the woods. I dunno...it looked kinda like...a bear. A big bear…" He continued when Laura seemed unimpressed, "you know, fur – claws, large claws."

"Um, whatever you were smoking before I came along must have been even better than this," Roslin snorted. "There aren't any bears on this planet."

I definitely saw something," Lee insisted, "and it looked big and furry and certainly not drug induced!"

"Okie dokey," the former President conceded, looking around as if trying to find an escape. "Er...I've got some...school things to do," she lamely managed. "I'll definitely catch you later before you head back to the Pegasus, though." She smiled politely and hurried off, leaving Lee alone with his now echoing thoughts of large land-mammals.

"I did see something," Lee reassured himself and then wondered whether he had spoken the statement or simply thought it quite loudly. He heard the rustling of leaves again and his heart began to race. He silently cursed Roslin for making him smoke that weed as it had left him in no condition to be dealing with bears. Luckily his clouded brain began to register a draft on his skin as he realized it was merely the wind causing the rustling. "Stupid drugs," he muttered.

Lee decided to go back to the tents to retrieve some more bread, wondering if everyone got the munchies so quickly. He hesitated briefly before taking the shorter path through the trees. "Be cool, Apollo," he told himself. "You're not afraid of some stupid bear." He tentatively made his way into the woods before he found himself unable to continue moving forward. Not understanding his situation at first, he panicked slightly and twisted around to investigate this new immobility. He saw that his pants had been snagged by a low branch.

"Frak!" he cursed. "Dad's gonna yell at me if I get a hole in my uniform." he gingerly attempted to release himself when he heard a low growl. Turning forward again, Lee found himself face to face with a snarling set of pointy teeth protruding from a brown, furry muzzle inches from his nose. Before Lee even had time to react, the massive bear launched itself up onto its hind legs and gave a great roar, drowning out Lee's own high-pitched screams as he struggled to break free from the branch he was so inconveniently tethered to.

He soon found his efforts to be unnecessary as he discovered two gargantuan paws on either side of him, lifting him from the confines of the branch high into the air. "Put me down, you frakking BEAR!" Lee demanded of the enraged animal. He heard a snap and felt a searing pain through his shoulder. Before he could thoroughly register the pain, however, he realized he was flying through the air; a realization which was quickly replaced by more pain as he hit another tree and fell to the ground with several more cracks and snaps. Before Lee could even attempt to right himself, he saw something large and brown speeding toward him. Just as he recognized the object as a paw, he felt a stab of sharp and dull agony together, ripping through his shoulder. The bear roared again, waving Lee's now detached arm around in the air, while Lee clutched his increasingly bloody stump shrieking his misery.

Despite the excruciating pain and severe blood loss, Apollo managed to lift himself to his feet staring at his fierce opponent. "Is that all you got, BEAR?" he yelled. "It's only a flesh wound!"

The bear responded by swinging Lee's former arm down to connect soundly with his face, knocking him to the ground again. Knowing he had no more fight left in him, Lee drifted off into unconsciousness.

Laura Roslin, being the humanitarian she was, had agreed to share a joint with Saul Tigh after he complained that Ellen was hoarding all his stash. They walked together, enjoying the breeze and surprisingly each others company, engaging themselves in a friendly discussion about the different models of airlock. Roslin interrupted Tigh's very interesting explanation about how the trapezoid shape had replaced an earlier hexagon shaped hatch when she thought she heard a distant shouting. Although Tigh swore he heard nothing, he reluctantly agreed to accompany the former President to investigate. The pair made their way back toward the spot where Roslin had previously been speaking to Apollo. Casting a glance into the trees, Roslin saw a bloody mass laying on the ground. "My gods!" she exclaimed. "Lee!"

Tigh followed her as she hurried to the motionless Apollo. "What the frak?" he wondered aloud. "Looks like he's been attacked by some sort of animal...but I don't see any tracks or anything..."

"He said he saw a bear earlier, but I just though he was being obnoxious and paranoid," Laura explained. "And now he's dead!"

A small groan came from the dismembered body on the ground and Laura could faintly make out the words, "I'm not dead yet."

"What?" Tigh poked the semi-concious Lee with the toe of his boot.

"He says he's not dead yet!" Laura clarified. "Colonel, go find Cottle, quickly! I'll stay here with him." Colonel Tigh removed his gun from his side and shot Lee in the head. "Colonel!" Laura exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Didn't you say, 'Colonel, finish him off, he's an irritating brat anyway?" Tigh asked sounding genuinely confused.

Laura looked at him incredulously. "No, that's not what I said at all!" She protested, fairly sure she was telling the truth. Maybe she had thought it, but even in the smoky haze of her buzz, she was certain she wouldn't say it aloud.

Tigh blinked and looked from Roslin to the now most definitely dead Lee. "Frak. My hearing isn't what it used to be."

Roslin sighed in exasperation before giving the Tigh a sympathetic smile and a friendly pat on the cheek. "Well, Colonel, at least you've still got your eyesight."


End file.
